Top 3 Ways to Effective Communication
in Couples Counseling

By the time most couples come to couples counseling, they are engaged in two separate monologues, not a dialogue. By the time they arrive in marriage counseling, they are no longer listening to one another and have stopped being curious about their partner.

By the time most couples come to couples counseling, they are engaged in two separate monologues, not a dialogue. By the time they arrive in marriage counseling, they are no longer listening to one another and have stopped being curious about their partner.

The most effective tool for communication is the “Intentional Dialogue.” Created by Imago Relationship Therapy, it counteracts intimacy blocking behaviors common to couples such as:

  • Dominating the conversation
  • Interrupting
  • Being overly critical
  • Failing to pay close attention
  • Interpreting
  • Being judgmental

In couples counseling, the Intentional Dialogue allows for safe discussion and helps each partner get the other’s undivided attention.

#1 Most Effective Couples Counseling Tool—Mirroring

Mirroring involves a sender and receiver. As the receiver (the partner listening), you reflect back to your partners what they said, not what you heard them say. It is best to use the exact same words they’ve used. The goal is to view the world the way they see it, not the way you understand it.

The senders’ responsibility is to say whatever they need to say, but using only “I” statements. The receiver says, “What I hear you saying is . . . ,” and then reflects back what the partner said.

In couples counseling, it is crucial that both the sender and receiver be responsible partners in their sending and receiving. Each has a duty to make the other feel safe. The senders must send in a primarily unemotional voice tone of voice and make sure that they’re sending information to the receiver in small “bites” such as one or two sentences. The receivers must put their emotions, thoughts and feelings off to the side, so as to be completely open to whatever the sender has to say without judging or correcting, interpreting or interrupting. True mirrors reflect back exactly what they see—and hear.

#2 Most Effective Couples Counseling Tool—Validation

In couples counseling, the lesson each party learns is that validation is not agreeing with each other. Validating simply means telling partners that from their point of view, what they say makes sense. It may not make sense at all from your point of view. After they are through sharing, you will have a chance to express your opinions. The sentences to be used are:

“I have heard everything you have to say, and you make sense to me from your point of view. And one thing that makes sense to me is . . .” This can be very difficult, especially if you completely disagree. It is crucial to remember here that you are trying to see the world through their eyes here, not yours!

#3 Most Effective Couples Counseling Tool—Empathy

In couples counseling, your goal is to imagine what your partner is feeling about whatever they have just shared with you. Empathy is imagining how someone must feel, given how they are seeing or experiencing a situation. You can choose from one of five main feelings—mad, sad, glad, afraid, and ashamed. The sentence taught here is: “I imagine how all of this makes you feel . . . ”

I have seen people literally moved to tears simply by knowing they’re being heard and understood. The goal of marriage counseling is for each partner to truly make contact with the other and leave room for two realities—which can be done only by effective communication.