Top 5 Signs of a Good Marriage Counselor

Finding the right marriage counselor can be very difficult. No matter how well trained they are, the therapy won’t be effective if you don’t feel that you three are a good fit. How can you tell if you’ve found a good one for you?

Finding the right marriage counselor can be very difficult. No matter how well trained they are, the therapy won’t be effective if you don’t feel that you three are a good fit. How can you tell if you’ve found a good one for you?

Sign #1 of a Good Marriage Counselor:

Don’t Focus on the Fight of the Week

If you come to therapy every week and focus on only the problem at hand or your most recent quarrel, that’s not helpful or productive. As a couple, all you will receive is a temporary solution for a much deeper problem. If the dynamics were that simple, you’d be able to solve them at home!

Sign #2 of a Good Marriage Counselor: 

Address the Themes and Patterns of Your Conflicts.

Every good therapist should be examining how a couple argues and what their conflict is really about. The couple might start by stating what they’re fighting over, but the marriage counselor should then ask questions such as:

  • “Does this remind you of a pattern from your childhood?”
  • “I notice that you often respond this way. Why do you think that is?”
  • “Where did you learn that it’s acceptable to respond this way?”

Sign #3 of a Good Marriage Counselor:

Ask that You Arrive Prepared

Coming to your therapy appointment without something to talk about is like going empty-handed to a meeting at work . You need to come prepared, not to focus on your partner, but to discuss your own personal feelings, behavior, and reactions to the topic at hand.

Sign #4 of a Good Marriage Counselor:

Willingness to See Each of You Separately

Often partners need time alone to express their feelings. Having some time to talk freely, without being organized—that is, knowing that your partner isn’t listening— is essential.  You may not wish to discuss with your partner what you spoke to your marriage counselor about, and the counselor should make it clear that’s okay.  The counselor should agree to hear things you don’t necessarily want to tell your partner right now—or ever.—. As long as you aren’t putting your partner at risk, the counselor should be willing to listen.

Sign #5 of a Good Marriage Counselor:

Unwillingness to Define Your Marriage For You

Every marriage has its own unique patterns and dynamics. If a marriage counselor tells you that your relationship should be or appear a certain way, your skepticism should rise. Some healthy couples can maintain an open marriage, others will decide to not be sexual, and still others choose not to live together, or abide by very conservative and/or religious rules.

Good marriage counselors will take your preferences and choices into consideration. They may well ask questions and even challenge why you, as a couple, have chosen to operate in a certain way.  However, if you and your partner demonstrate that you two are working well  in certain areas, marriage counselors should never push their own judgments and personal bias.

You may have to “test drive” a few marriage counselors and attend a number of sessions before you two feel you’ve found the right match. But the effort is definitely worth it!